Personal reflections, internal argument

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Aurea
Posts: 267
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2005 5:13 pm
Location: Burundi - Central Africa
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Personal reflections, internal argument

Postby Aurea » Tue Jun 27, 2006 1:54 pm

Morning light filters through the crack in the curtains and highlights the brown hair flowing across the pillow.
Briar stirs and rolls over, body entwined in the heap of blankets she’s using for a bed. Slowly she opens her eyes and focuses on the increasingly familiar furniture in the room she’s crashing in.

Too familiar… Too long staying in one place, far too easy to track down… must be nearly time to move on. Goodness knows where…

She sits up and runs a hand through her tousled hair, her mind reflecting over the night before.
Strange to be waking up in her own bed… alone.
For the briefest of seconds, the familiar mind numbing panic paralysed her body. The thought of what Tyram would do to her when he called round and realised that she had been unable to get a customer for the night.
“Not any more” she muttered firmly, forcing her breathing to return to normal. “I’m not working for him any more; he doesn’t know where I am… I’m free.”

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she got out of bed and pulled a blanket around her shoulders. On the way to the door, she passed a mirror, and paused for a second.
“You failed…” she could almost hear his familiar cold voice cutting through her head.
“Look at yourself, you’re a failure… you’ll never be anything more.”

Why couldn’t she get rid of his voice? Why couldn’t she erase the memory? Why couldn't she just forget everything?
“There were many men in the tavern last night… are you daring to tell me that you failed to get employed by any of them?”

“I did try…” she whispered to her face in the mirror. “I hovered around a few men at the end…”
“But you didn’t try to seduce any of them…”
“I didn’t need to!” Briar pleaded silently with her own dark eyes staring accusingly back at her from the mirror.
“I have enough money to last me a few weeks. I don’t have to live that life any more… I’m free…” her voice trailed off, knowing she was deluding herself; true freedom would always be beyond her reach

“You didn’t even try!” the voice in her head continued. It had evolved from being just Tyram’s memory, and was now more like arguing with herself in her mind. Her subconscious resisting.
“You know what to say, you know how to manipulate people. You could have wrapped half the tavern round your little finger… you didn’t even try!”
“I didn’t need to…” her feeble replies were growing even weaker. “…Besides rumours are spreading… people are guessing. I don’t want to be always tainted with the paint of my past...”
DRAGONS!!!

"Burundi? ...Isn't that some kind of drink?"
"Just remember two things while you're out there - don't get shot and avoid machetes... then you'll be fine"

Aurea
Posts: 267
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2005 5:13 pm
Location: Burundi - Central Africa
Contact:

Postby Aurea » Tue Jun 27, 2006 2:03 pm

“What about that Uthred? All the hard work was done for you… all you needed to put in was a little encouragement… and you even failed there…”
“SHUT UP!” her sudden outburst surprised herself, and she waited for a second to check no one else in the house had heard her.
Silence. No sound from outside the room.
She turned away from her accusing eyes in the mirror and sat down on a chair, drawing the blanket comfortingly around her shoulders.

“Why didn’t you do it? It was handed to you on a plate”
There was a long silence.
“He saved my life… twice… at least…”

“And? …even better, you could have …expressed your gratitude, fawned all over him, made him believe he was your own personal deity for goodness sake… Why didn’t you? It’s only words; you’ve done it all before. What does it matter?”

“…I didn’t want to just …use him... He deserves a better “thanks” than that.”
“I don’t believe I’m hearing this?? …Are you going soft?”

“No one has ever saved my life before. Unless you count Tyram healing me up after beating my body to a pulpy mess, minutes away from merciful death… purely to beat me some more.”
“You’re pathetic… worse than pathetic! What happened to Briar the aloof, the untouchable? Briar who stroked a man’s ego one night, and crushed it in the mud the next morning? Are you seriously saying all someone has to do to crush your spirit is run across a battle field to defend you, or carry you out of a burning building…? Are you really that shallow?”

“Leave me alone” Briar closed her eyes and tilted her head down, hiding behind the curtain of hair.
“I cannot believe I am talking to myself… arguing with myself! I’m obviously going insane… but leave me alone.”
With that, she jerked herself to her feet and left the room in search of company, something to distract her thoughts…
DRAGONS!!!

"Burundi? ...Isn't that some kind of drink?"
"Just remember two things while you're out there - don't get shot and avoid machetes... then you'll be fine"


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